I went to bed the other night with a good conviction that I’d not check anything that has something to do with this blog site- technical things I want to work on, which posts garnered the most and least attention, how I can do more, etc.
Don’t get me wrong. I love everything about here and I’m ecstatic to relay my thoughts and insights to you. But, sometimes I get overwhelmed with the feedback I’m getting and the exposure I sometimes want to have at this early stage. This blog site has put motion in my once dull life after all.
As I’ve already mentioned here, it is badly embedded in my nature to go for everything at once. In a short span of time, I usually burn myself out and go find another thing to do. But because I understand my nature better, I actually could catch myself before falling short again, at least in most cases.
New at the game, I was already giving myself a short break.
As if I’m not supposed to, I woke up with spammed comments on my blog site and someone telling me along these lines, “You’re (my age)? You’re not doing anything significant? You’re lazy.”
The spam comments gave me a jolt of anxiety because I’m terrified of losing everything and going back to square one. This is my precious work and I worried that someone or something was messing it up. The statement from a random stranger triggered me so bad but I took it as a sign to not give up and to keep doing what I’m doing. To protect my little empire of love and creation and make it flourish, once again I’m rebuilding myself from ground zero.
What I really want to touch on in this post is that these series of events I mentioned have led me to be more committed here and to also raise this inquiry of existentialism once more. Was this by mere freewill because I want to play tough and prove to the world I can also make it? Was it by fate carefully designed by some invisible force for my highest good, or just a random series of coincidences that in the end hold neither significance nor value?
At midnight when my brain is the busiest, my normal existential questions are:
Why am I here? Is there meaning as to why I have to continue living? If there was, what is it? What am I supposed to do apart from breathing and living? Or, is that all?
What made me start to write? Why do I dedicate my work not only for myself but for those who might need my self- found wisdom? Why do I feel compelled in putting myself in the limelight hoping to save one soul from her miseries?
Why suddenly there was a shift of my attention from the ugly, self-sabotaging things to the beauty and grace of life? Just a year ago, I was lost. Two years ago, I was ready to end it all.
This could translate to you as:
Why did you leave that job that pays you well to pursue your passion in the arts? What’s the reason as to why from a broken family you decided to start your own despite what you have seen and believed otherwise? Why did you leave a certain person you thought you would get married with? Why did you choose to sacrifice your dreams so your little brother gets a better career than yours? Why do you stay when you could have let go? And, why did you let go when you could have stayed?
Tell me, why are we here? Why are we pouring our hearts out in the things we believe are true or give us pleasure? What brought you here to keep reading what I’m writing? Are you looking for some truth, light, or you just want to get entertained or wait for me to make an embarrassing mistake?
The simplest way I could put it is I just want to breathe and enjoy every sensation oxygen gives my bones and the nerves in my brains because I need it the most there. In other words, I don’t want to stress over why Karen is making rumors of me, outcasting me in their group, and calling me Mama Mary because she can’t stand my gentleness and resting b* face after all their backstabbing.
Aren’t we all seeking to get better? To get better jobs? To be married to a nice and understanding partner? To live alone with eight cats because that suits you better? Aren’t all of these things I mentioned, in one way or another, translates to happiness, love, or peace?
So, I don’t have the absolute answer either. In normal articles, they give you the conclusion as an answer or solution. Instead, I made you investigate more and probably made your head hurt.
But here is my two cents:
They all work out in one way or another. If you failed your licensure exam just to allow you an opportunity to work abroad and marry your person, it still worked out. If you pursued the career your parents wanted for you, you still acquired the additional skills that will be beneficial for your life later.
The uncertainty as to why we are here may haunt us or thrill us. The vagueness of it all may either hurt us or uplift us. If you ask me, I already made peace with either side. I wake up in the morning and say “Universe, give it to me. Bring it on!”
In the end, whether they are orchestrated by a higher force or just a random series of twisted events, they all teach us one lesson or even more. What are the lessons for, you may ask? We can leave it for another lengthy talk next time.
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