Dear self, I’m sorry.

I apologize if it was a bit heavier than what you’re used to. I, myself, feel like wanting to hug this person with warmth and love she has forgotten. If I could be at the same place where she found her momentary refuge, I’d also lie with her on the sand, watch the glow of the moon and wonder the same thoughts that run in her head. With her, I’d listen to the echoes of the night’s stillness and the waves resonant rumbles. In her comfort zone, I’d tell her, “I know it’s tough, but this is where you’re going to draw your power from. Don’t give up.”

Looking back also meant I have to relive the same scenes and sensations that caused my old self to loathe the world and herself.

I thought if I wanted to talk about my reintegration to the world, love and light, strength, and all those positive words, no matter how cliché they may be, I should share first how suffocation in my own hell was like.

At my darkest phase,

I told people I was too busy to meet them.
I started to wear face mask so people who might know me won’t recognize me only to see the void through my eyes.
I didn’t respond to messages and calls from most people. I talked occasionally with around 5 people.
I used to set alarms to interrupt my sleep at every certain hour (every 1,2,3 hours) because of the recurring nightmares of chasing and dying I had. I was avoiding them because of the exhaustion and physical pain I got.
I stopped listening to music because it made my condition worse.
I had chronic headache and episodic fever.
I ate normally but I lost a lot of weight due to stress.
Loud noises triggered my anxiety.
I knew my condition was getting worse and I didn’t really know how to help myself so I always ended up crying.
Crying led to shortness of breath.
Shortness of breath caused my panic attack.
Panic attacks that always led to painful tightening of my chest.
I was always curled up in my bed until day had become night, and night had become day.
It was the same pattern every day, every night.

I read that again and my heart just broke.

Don’t you feel like trying to save her too?

If I could save the world, I would.

If I could be taken back again to the girl who’s watching the night’s sky in solitude, I would.

In her comfort zone, I’d tell her:

Dear self,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if the mundane and superficial reality you came to know hurt you.
I’m sorry if you’ve felt little, unworthy, and incapable.
The world is just the way it is. Whatever it does to you, remember there’s nothing off or imperfect about you.
The world projects its pain to itself. It isn’t towards you. The people you thought caused you pain are also in pain.
If you could heal them, you would, won’t you?
You reconcile without the need for words.
In time, you will restore what joy you lost.
You will revolutionize love and beauty in the world that seems lost to its own intricacies.
The light you have found will glow and it will radiate immensely.
Your friends and loved ones will start to emanate the same unspeakable yet transformative flames.
Your life’s purpose?
It is done.
It was already manifested since the day you’re born.
The life within you is the instrument and the purpose.
You don’t need to seek for answers anymore

With this out here, I think I’m ready, more than ready to talk about my reintegration to the world and the beauty I and You will continue to create.

I invite you to come along on my journey.

Are you ready?

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See the same thoughts I wrote about the unspeakable yet transformative flames here.

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6 thoughts on “Dear self, I’m sorry.

  1. Samah says:

    Ommmg charmmm I didn’t know that u went through all of this !!!i got goosebumps reading it ,i felt heart ache, But i am so glad and grateful that u found ur way out otherwise I wouldn’t have met this divine charmie human being <3 , as u said :“ The light you have found will glow and it will radiate immensely.” And that’s exactly what are u doing to us …

    The life within you is the instrument and the purpose.
    You don’t need to seek for answers anymore.
    -the only charm xD ( well said 💗)
    # we lachi u charmie

    • The Only Charm says:

      Sami ❤ I love that you’re always quoting my words. I feel like a legit writer. 😆

      I also felt the same goosebumps and heartbreak as I was writing this. I had my meltdown last night because of this 😆 I kinda regret it because my head feels terrible the whole day today but it was worth it. ❤

      Thank you for the beautiful words, my soul sis. Lachi you 😘


    It caught me by surprise seeing those FB posts resurface again… It rendered me speechless that the only thing to say is that I applaud your courage for openly talking about it, for gathering strength and looking back to your vulnerable old self with a new fresh perspective.

    • The Only Charm says:

      Sife ❤ thank you!

      I learned that vulnerability isn’t a weakness and I’ve been trying to write something about that but first things first, let’s begin by being vulnerable and open so I guess this was the product of it.

  3. Weaver says:

    Charm, it’s such courageous act for you to share the very bottom and sentimental phase of your life. I wish I was there to encourage you, or at least to be there, although I know it was part of your journey and it transform you nevertheless. I’m glad that you’re able to look back and fogive yourself, to keep on going and not giving up, and to radiate others even more! I hope this will help others to move on and continue life for those who’s been in a dark place. And I always thank you for sharing such tremendous phase of your life.

    • The Only Charm says:

      Weaver 💛 I felt your message deep in my heart. Thank you. ❤

      I also hope that with this out here, people who are going through the same thing would know that this is just the start of their alchemization to becoming awesome!

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